WuZZZup, first blogging in here using my phone(phone keyboards suck :p)
also first time use of html's pre!!
This time more of a personal mental troubles diary.. or shit liek this
And the point of writing in this shitty html hellhole is to try locking myself up from the people outside,
and it doesn't matter either they are dear to me or i am dear to them.
All i know is that i annoy them
With me turning 15, and getting past THAT painful period during summer.. my social anxiety lightened?..
Maybe its once again because of the class i was in? PROBABLY..
I must say the WHOLE period from nov 2024 all the way up to july 2025 was nothing but a mental pain rollercoaster,
and its because of me and my actions.. although i still dont understand what's wrong with me?
I think differently and i act differently as well,
but isnt that what makes us be human? We differ from one another, that is the main rule of human existence.
Is it because i am extremely emotional???
I DONT KNOW
Ever since i gained more of the self awareness i really needed.. new life plans and paths opened up:
Suicide.
Only suicide.
Because existing is pointless, and nothing will change my mind about it.
I'll tell you more, i had suicidal thoughts as long as 2022.. i wish i was never born.. how much of an abomination i am..
i also had breakdowns as far back as that year... episodes..
as i called them in one of my older blogs..
I heard some people try to change it.. and i love that person for it especially...
But i am not to be changed
I have troubles changing
I HAVE TROUBLES WITH EVERYTHING..
Lets get back to that nov24-jul25 period.. really the darkest.
Believe me, the mental pain i endured was something that culminated in the summer.. or the june breakdowns...
I always wanted to kill myself....
Being drunk for first in my life sort of opened my eyes.. gave me an revelation and let me be.. my real self.
I've lost my real self so long ago.. and finally in a while i felt no fear.. and opened up with showing every
piece of emotion i had..
Most people there said i was weird as usual, because all i did is laugh uncomfortably and uncontrolably to myself...
It is the real me
Being happy
Although still spending time with people(except for one) i hate the most..
I think some of my friends still remember these breakdowns.. i must say i lost a lot of contacts during them...
A whole call from fuckin NORWAY told me, there's still people that care about you..
Although i only wanted to cut myself completely from any type of communication.. with an intention to kill myself..
but even considering everything i wasnt sure if i was to do that(kys'ing myself) ....
With the help of my dear H, and friends that helped me recover first days with messages
I've sorta rebuilt myself..
I wish someone no matter who reading this, got into my shoes and tried being me, the whole life,
all the pain I've endured, and while some people let go of this pain, i cant, and it haunts me to this day.
Be as locked up and isolated from everyone. I adore loneliness, i am not being judged and theres only me,
social interaction gets me really tired..
Suicide is the way out, believe me.
I'm still living because im not grown up yet, until i'll leave my footing on the web, or anywhere else.. my creation..
my child that carries my name... something big by my ratings.....
I dont try to follow norms and standards.. at least i don't try to
I do what i want with myself, and the responsibilities that lie before me.
I am an asshole, stupid socially anxious, facemasking, awkward, angry piece of shit. I adore that fact.
I'll die being a bitch ass
I wish i can be hit by a car
I wish it drives me over
I wish it drives over my head.
I have to sleep anyways..
So goodnight... And i love you H.
december is close.. ending of 2025.. i really hope me being a big part of your life for almost 2 years makes you happy, h.. I really love you...
03.11.2025